Seeing things in black and white

I was doing okay this past weekend, really I was. It was a strange mix of feeling sorry for myself, missing Christian terribly and also some fun with friends. Y'know, I think about Christian every single day. Sometimes it's little things like how one of the first words besides "mama" and "dada" that he ever said was "Icee". (It's the honest truth that when he saw that Exxon sign when he was 1yo, he looked at it and said Icee!-- we'll just say that the consumption of Icee's is a male bonding thing in our family!)

But this time my thinking of him was different, it was more. I ventured into the Family Christian store to pick up a card for the sweet 16 b-day party we were to attend this past Friday night. They had already brought out all the Christmas items-- books, CDs, advent wreaths, and ornaments. It was the ornaments that got me thinking....

One of the traditions we have around here is that each child gets their own ornament every year. Sometimes we make them and other times we buy them-- last year, they got to pick out their very own Hallmark ornament (talk about a splurge!). The plan was that when they got older and had a place of their own, they would take "their" box of ornaments with them. It's always a lovely time when we put the tree up, unpack the ornaments and talk about the "remember when's" behind each one.

That's when it hit me.

While I have packed up most of Christian's special things, there are still those ornaments and his stocking tucked away in the Christmas bins. I kind of mulled those thoughts all day, culminating into a good cry later that evening. It was like every fiber of my being was missing my littlest man!!! His hugs, his mischievous grin, the way he'd make shooting sounds with anything that could resemble a gun, how he'd come to me and say I'm humry, mommy!, how he'd sneak out of his room after bedtime and say I can't sweep- boys make too much noise!, how he always insisted on sitting next to me, his excitement at finding a race car shopping cart at Kroger that actually had a steering wheel still attached... so many things... so many things that I won't ever get to see, hear, feel or touch again...

As we were driving home from the birthday party, the boys and I got into a conversation about Christian. For some reason I can't remember how it even came up in the first place; but it ended with a discussion on heaven and how we'll see him again if we give our lives to Jesus Christ and ask him to save us from our sins. We have the promise of everlasting life-- eternity! We will be together f-o-r-e-v-e-r!!!

Tank said, Well, I know that I'll see him again in heaven! I bet he's having a good time on the streets of gold and hanging out at the crystal river. When I get to heaven I can't wait to see him. Oh and Jesus too! That would be cool to see Jesus. I bet they're having all kinds of fun up there!

I just love how children can see things so clearly. My boys not only bring me JOY, but remind me of where my JOY truly lies-- and it is not here, my friends!

And just today when I was beginning to feel sad about Christian's birthday coming up next Wednesday, I received a lovely and extremely encouraging card from JenIg in the mail. She reminded me that Christian will be having his best birthday EVER! And it's true. What better place could you possibly be on your birthday than in the presence of the Lord? And as far as Christmas, what better place can you be to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ than at His feet?! In the presence of the King of Kings?!

Yup, that's what I thought. There is no better place for Christian to be... no matter how much we miss him here on earth.

Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me.

In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.

And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.

~John 14:1-4