About Me

My name is Marsha, Marshy, Marshie, Marshmallow, Nerd, and M. My hubster of over 25 years calls me babe and my kids call me mom and mommy.

I've got four boys (Austin- 21, Noah-19, Christian 11/12/04-8/26/08*, and Ian-8) and one girl (Hope-6). Yes, it is quite the spread in age... No, we didn't keep trying until we "finally got our girl"... and Yes, all kids are with my first and only husband and I'm his first and only wifey! :)

We are a Christian homeschooling family was very blessed to live on the beautiful island of Guam for over 8 years. Now we are back on the mainland and living in Pennsylvania.

I am blessed beyond measure, my cup runneth over. 

Even with the crack in my cup, the filling flows faster than the leak. 

To God be all glory.

*Since it is natural to wonder how someone died, Christian's death was from drowning.
You can read about my grief journey HERE.  Suffering the loss of a child can be a very lonely and painful road. If you need someone to talk to or if you have a friend that you would like me to email, please let me know. I love talking about Christian and do not want to waste this sorrow that is part of our life's story. Even if I cry, you won't be reminding me of something that I don't already think about every single day.  I don't have any magical words of wisdom and cannot "fix" someone's grief... But I can be a listening ear, a praying heart, and try to encourage them in the Lord.  In all of this, I can testify that God has been and will continue to be faithful. He has never forsaken me. At the end of this race, I want more than anything for Him to say "Well done, my good and faithful servant." After all, isn't that why we are still here on this earth?

They are just things. 6 years.

We packed away Christian's things rather quickly since he shared a room with Austin and Noah. I hated for them to open their closet door to grab a shirt and have to reach past his clothes. We put it all (except his jacket) in an orange bin (my color for him) and put it in another closet.  Clothes and pjs... school supply box... golf club... Pinewood Derby trophy... red Converse shoes... blue blankie...

It was hard.

Sometimes I would go to the closet and grab his blue blankie and tuck it under my pillow. I could cry on my pillow and reach my hand under and feel it... the same blankie he would hold and hug and drag around. I would smell it.. touch it.. and no one else had to know.

It has been almost 6 years since he last touched that blanket with his dimpled fingers. I still remember the smell of it and the feel of the worn fleece between my fingers... There is a small tear in it (scissors?) and a spot of green paint near the corner.

There are days of grief where you want to shout from the rooftops that it hurts! You want to hang a sign around your neck that proclaims I.AM.HURTING.TODAY.

Other days you want to be left alone to quietly sob and remember and just sit in that grief, fully feeling every corner of the empty that cannot be filled.

We have since moved to Guam and left Christian's things in the attic in Texas. I often have to remind myself that we are not leaving him, just things... just things that remind me of him, him who I will never forget.  I know I need to be okay leaving those things and I need to be okay if the whole house were to be destroyed. Some days it is easier to be okay than others.

For you newly grieving mamas that just don't know what to do with your child's room and things... take pictures. Take pictures of all of it... the clothes, the bed, the wall... If you aren't quite ready to make decisions about clothes and toys, even though it has been well over a year, put them in a bin and tuck it away for now. Maybe you can do something with it later? Or maybe it will just sit there for a long time. No matter what you decide, IT IS OKAY. There is no wrong way to do things and no time frame that you have to stick with.

When we repainted the boys room the following year, we saw pencil scribbles on the wall right next to Christian's bed.  Pause. Cry. Remember. Laugh. Take pictures of scribbles. Cry a little more and keep painting.

There is no calendar or instruction manual on grieving. Give grace if you can to those that speak critically of the way you are grieving (or seem to not be grieving).  Some might speak out of meanness, but most are well meaning and speak from love. They just don't understand... which is a blessing for them.

We, however, can choose to grieve with HOPE.
Every single day, make the choice to trust God. Trust Him with your hurt, your sorrow, your anger, your disappointment, your questions, your heart...  It's not easy, but it is worth it.

How long wilt thou forget me, O Lord? for ever? how long wilt thou hide thy face from me?
How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily? how long shall mine enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and hear me, O Lord my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death;
Lest mine enemy say, I have prevailed against him; and those that trouble me rejoice when I am moved.
But I have trusted in thy mercy; my heart shall rejoice in thy salvation.
I will sing unto the Lord, because he hath dealt bountifully with me.
-Psalm 13

Dear Christian,

It has been a long six years without you.  I still try to sing unto the Lord and to look at life with an eternal perspective.  Some days are more successful than others. It's a little too easy to get off track and take my eyes away from the Lord with all the daily tasks of life vying for my attention...  Not to mention your little brother Ian's climbing antics and funny business... and your new sister Hope distracting us with her cuteness and grins!  

Pssst... she looks so much like you!!! Blue gray eyes and such a whitey! She even started drooling just like you used to... a bib will have to be her go-to accessory.

I guess this is evidence that life does move on. It doesn't mean that we love you any less... It just means that we are learning to live with the pain of your absence.

We have decided to only make the trek back to Texas once a year for now. On our last visit I was able to stop by your grave.  I was glad to see that the sod they had put down was flourishing and the dumb fire ants were diminished.  Daddy still saves his hotel cards for you and leaves them.  It makes me sad to see them because each card is a tangible reminder of him missing you so very very much.  You were always so happy when daddy gave YOU his card instead of giving it Austie or Boah!  And if it had a picture of pizza on the front, it was an even bigger treasure! :)  When I think about your joy, I can't help but smile!

Ian enjoyed playing with our hotel card this last trip.  I handed it to him and remembered how you would carry them around.  I cried.  It was good to cry.

Speaking of brothers, your big brothers still talk about you. Sorry, but you will always be little to Austin and Noah.  They are almost the same height now-- and they both tower over me.  I wonder how tall you would be right now?  Would you still have blonde hair or would it have turned more brown?  Would you still be a whitey or would you have developed a tan?

My cup truly runneth over. Even with the crack in my cup, the filling flows faster than the leak.  

I thank God for the miracle of it all.

And I thank God for giving me you.

I love you, Christian Edward. Forever and always, always and forever.

Love,
Mommy

the loud reminder

Our little Coconut is now a little over 2 years old. Rambunctious, funny, vibrant, and LOUD...

He did this the other day (kinda loud video alert) :

I IMMEDIATELY connected it to this (louder video than the previous one):

The connection was more sweet than bitter... for which I am thankful.

We rejoice in the brown haired, asian eyed, big noggin bundle of personality and joy that is Ian!

But as each month draws us closer to Ian's 3rd birthday, I know we will think more and more about his similarities and differences to Christian at 3 years old.

Each passing stage and milestone is a crazy mixed up reminder of the blonde boy that graced our home and forever impressed our hearts... the gift of remembering fondly and the pain of saying goodbye to those moments all over again.

Grief is complicated like that.

5 years

"We wept when we were born though all around us smiled;

so shall we smile when we die when all around us weep."

-Charles Spurgeon

The number on the calendar today marks 5 years... half a decade!... 60 months!... since I last held my cheeky, blonde, funny, giggly, stinkerpot little boy.

"Now life will be a little less sweet, death a little less bitter."

-Thomas Shepherd after the death of his wife (1700s)

When I wonder if Christian is forgotten, God reminds me of how our family and friends still remember... But most of all, how He still remembers.

On my down days, He sends encouragement directly through His Word, or through a phone call, radio song, sermon at church, email from a stranger, hug from a friend.  Today is manageable so far because I was blessed with being heard yesterday.  How can those that never knew the old me and my little Christian be so loving and compassionate and kind?  To listen to my stories of him from so many years ago and to weep with me as if that dreadful day had just happened yesterday? Truly God's gift of sisters in Christ!

And then there are these guys. Oh these guys!  Our added joy, God's gift to us... The ones that remind us that life is still in front of us. I pray fervently that this hard place in the story of their lives will not be wasted.  It pains me to see them cry. Their young man arms wrapping around me when they see the look I get in my eyes. I think I know them so well... and sometimes forget how well they know their mama too.

And Ian. Oh my, our beautiful mess! His grin full of mischief and chin jutted slightly out like his big brother Christian used to do. He looks like mini Austin but acts so much like Christian-- full of busy and charm and temper and the trouble that should make you mad but you just can't help but laugh at him instead.

"Life is bigger than loss because God is bigger than loss.
They bear witness to the truth that pain and death do not have the final word; God does.
-Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised

My soul has been stretched.

The overwhelming pain of loss has given me an incredible joy in the every day.  How such joy and sorrow can live side by side and yet intermingle is beyond my understanding. And yet there it is. Sure there are still frustrations and annoyances and the ever present missing, but these are evidence of life and living!  Ordinary is extraordinary.  

For you mama's dealing with the knee high bunch (or even the taller than you teen bunch!), hug your little ones a little more. It's okay to get frustrated and deal with messes and tantrums and noise. Love your kids... and when you lose it, ask for forgiveness and press on. It is evidence of life!  Carseats and crumbs, puking and potty training, giggles and hugs, songs and slides... Yes it is hard and exhausting being the mama. But God chose YOU to be mom to your child... What a high calling! Do not be weary in your well doing... It will be worth it.

God has never left me. 

His grace has been immeasurable. 

Though this journey seems impossible at times, IT IS STILL WELL WITH MY SOUL.

May I never forget.

To God be all glory.

"I did not go through pain and come out the other side;
instead, I lived in it and found within that pain the grace to survive and eventually grow.
I did not get over the loss of my loved ones;
rather, I absorbed the loss into my life, like soil receives decaying matter,
until it became a part of who I am."

-Jerry Sittser, A Grace Disguised

Dear Christian,

It has been 5 years since the day you met Jesus. Are you celebrating this day? Do you pray for us as we still mourn you?

Ian is starting to say more words... He says mama the most-- almost nonstop! Sometimes when he means Noah, we think he is asking for a banana. I wonder if he would say your name like you used to? 

"I Chis-chun!"

Not a day goes by that we don't think of you and miss you. I watch the few video clips of you that I have and I smile to remember your voice and laughter.  Ian is almost big enough to start playing with the trains and tracks that you loved so much. I wonder if he will love them as much as you did.

We have two of our family pictures on the refrigerator. Daddy and I are always sure to tell Ian your name and how you are his big brother. One day our family will be complete and we will all be together again... Daddy, Mommy, Austin, Noah, Christian and Ian. I can't wait for that day!

Remember how you used to bring me yard flowers or hold my hand and ask "I make you happy mommy?"  Well, my little wonderboy, even though we are apart right now, you make me happy. Very happy!

I love you!
Mommy

But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep,
that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again,
even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord,
that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord
shall not prevent them which are asleep.

For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout,
with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God:
and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds,
to meet the Lord in the air:
and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

-I Thessalonians 4:13-18

almost made it through mother's day

I almost made it through Mother's Day 2013 without crying.

It started while I was grabbing a few things at the grocery store tonight after church.  Out of the blue, my chest started to tighten and that familiar swell of sorrow threatened to rise up.

Nope, not tonight. 
Not here. 
I'm not in the mood to deal with this right now. 
Wait until I get home, wait until after the kids are in bed, just wait!

So I pushed it down and tried to think about whether I should buy that cut of meat that was packaged yesterday instead of today... what pasta shapes the boys might prefer... Ahhh... shapes...

The night before Christian died, I let him choose which shape of pretzels we should get at the grocery store. He decided on the small pretzel sticks, squealing with delight and holding the bag all the way home. The next morning, he begged to eat pretzels for breakfast!

{I'm glad I said yes.}

When he was still missing, us not knowing he was already in the arms of Jesus, I looked down at my feet and saw the broken pretzel sticks that had fallen from his hands that very morning.

*sigh*

Push the image away, change the channel in my brain, and leave the store quickly.

But after the kids are in bed, I can't hold it back.

*SIGH*

David mutes the TV and asks what is wrong.

It's nothing.

That's an awfully big sigh for it to be nothing...

And he's right.

I cry.
He holds me.

I need to sit in the grief moment and take it in. Holding onto it is the only way to release it.

And when the moment's tears are spent, we go back to what we were doing, all too familiar with this routine of unexpected tears.

Psalm 103 keeps going through my head... and I am thankful for the calm that it brings to my heart...

Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.

Prayer in verse, prayer in song, running through my head as I drift off to sleep...
Thank you, dear God, for your Word... always timely, always relevant, always near to my broken heart.

God knew 9 years ago...

I have been looking for a particular picture for over one and half years.

I found it tonight!!!

When we first moved to Guam almost 2 years ago, I was sad we had this grand new adventure and no Christian to share it with. It wasn't a large outward boohoo, but one of those small things in a deep corner of my heart.

It wasn't long before God reminded me of a whirlwind two day stay in Guam back in 2004...

Ritidian Beach... Only ONE picture... and it's of me... pregnant with Christian!

I can honestly say that ALL of my boys have been to Guam!

Thank you God for knowing 9 years ago that I needed this gift today.

Haven of Hope Retreat for grieving moms

Registration is now open for our third annual Haven of Hope Retreat! The Retreat will once again be held in Round Top, Texas, which is approximately 2 hours from Houston, 1.5 hours from Austin, and really close to Brenham. :)  Retreat dates are March 8-10, 2013.

Would you please help spread the word?  

The registration link is at: www.haven-of-hope.com/retreat
You may share the flyer link and/or print it out HERE.


We are just a group of Christian moms on this grief journey trying to encourage one another in the Lord and share the HOPE that we have only through Jesus Christ.

It's not a weekend of only tears (though they are a plenty), but a place of safety and understanding... We talk, laugh, eat, pray, sing, craft and share our hurts, hearts, and children with one another.  Casual and Christ-centered with the Bible as our guide.

Please pray. Not only for us as we prepare the practical details, but for the moms that God already knows will be attending. It does take great courage to share this deep grief with strangers (although it doesn't take long to become fast friends). We are honored that these moms are willing to share their children with us.

To God be the glory.

heavy

There is a heaviness that has been sitting on my heart this week. It is a physical weight that makes it a little difficult to breathe, slows my steps, and makes me want to climb into bed for a month. We have been so busy trying to get back into the routine of life and school and sleep schedules, I hardly noticed it at first.  But with each passing day, each day closer to Christmas, it becomes heavier.... tugging, threatening to pull me down, down, down...

I hate that Christian isn't here with us to see the "missmus wights" or to help pick out a color for his room... that he's not here to fight over who gets to wear the Santa hat and pass out gifts... I don't even know if he would be like Noah and prefer chocolate ice cream or vanilla like Austin prefers... Would he be reading fiction books like Austin or nonfiction like Noah or simply prefer no books at all?

I want to scream but I'm too tired. Perhaps weary is the better word...

I sit down at the piano to plunk out a few Christmas songs. As I flip through the hymn book, the pages open to two songs.

The Cross Is Not Greater

"The cross that He gave me may be heavy,

But it ne'er outweighs His grace;

The storm that I feared may surround me,

But it ne'er excludes His face.

The thorns in my path are not sharper

Than composed His crown for me;

The cup that I drink not more bitter

Than He drank in Gethsemane.

The light of His love shineth brighter,

As it falls on paths of woe;

The toil of my work groweth lighter,

As I stoop to raise the low.

His will I have joy in fulfilling,

As I'm walking in His sight;

My all to the blood I am bringing,

It alone can keep me right.

The cross is not greater than His grace,

The storm cannot hide His blessed face;

I am satisfied to know

That with Jesus here below,

I can conquer every foe."

-Ballington Booth

I struggle at times with that last stanza: "I am satisfied to know, That with Jesus here below, I can conquer every foe."  

I do believe that through Christ, we can conquer anything (Philippians 4:13).  It is the satisfied part that wavers from time to time.  

When I am rested and in His Word and "strong", I think "Yes, I can do this. I can run this race and be happy and joyful and content. I know I will see Christian again! Life is good! God is good!"

When I am tired and stressed and too busy with the things of this world to be consistent in prayer and reading God's Word, that is when my burden is TOO HEAVY to bear.  When holidays and special occasions mark the passing of time, the happy memories of Christmas long ago come rushing back, the sweet mixing with the bitter... and I cry...

How much longer must we wait, Lord, for your return?!

The words of the other song jump from the page.  This is a familiar song. 

The Christian's Good-Night

Sleep on, beloved, sleep, and take thy rest; 

Lay down thy head upon thy Savior's breast; 

We love thee well, but Jesus loves thee best--

Good-night! Good-night! Good-night!

Calm is thy slumber as an infant's sleep;

But thou shalt wake no more to toil and weep:

Thine is a perfect rest, secure and deep--

Good-night! Good-night! Good-night!

Until eternal glory lights the skies,

Until the dead in Jesus shall arise,

And He shall come, but not in lowly guise--

Good-night! Good-night! Good-night!

Only "Good-night", beloved-- not "Farewell!"

A little while, and all His saints shall dwell

In hallowed union indivisible--

Good-night! Good-night! Good-night!

Until we meet again before His throne,

Clothed in spotless robe He gives His own,

Until we know even as we are known--

Good-night! Good-night! Good-night!

I don't cry for Christian-- he is in that perfect rest and will never have to suffer the hurts of this world like we do. I cry for us. Christian's greatest gain was our greatest loss. It is in this loss that I give thanks for the promise and HOPE we gained when Jesus came in lowly guise all those years ago. Jesus Christ was born to us... He is the only reason we can say Good-night rather than Farewell!

As you prepare to celebrate the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ, would you please take time to pray for the families that have said Good-night?  No matter how little or much time has passed, the missing and hurt is amplified during the holiday season. Your prayers make a tremendous difference in keeping together that which the devil seeks to destroy!

I choose joy.  Even in the hard moments.

To God be the glory.

i can't choose

I put Ian in his bed and walked outside for a second, telling the boys "Keep an eye on Christian for me. I'll be back in a second."

They both stopped.

"You called him Christian. You mean Ian, right?"



I wonder how long I'll be doing that? It brings back those first weeks of his absence... accidentally calling Noah or Austin his name, just like I did when he was here.

Although it brings about a moment of awkwardness, making that mistake again isn't all bad.

It throws me back to a time where it hasn't been THIS LONG since Christian left us. It somehow makes me feel a tad closer to the time that he was last with us... closer to hearing his voice, smiling at his laughter and mischief, feeling his sweet sweaty head lying on my shoulder... feeling his cheek beneath my lips... I remember barely hanging on to the edge of my bed because Christian would sneak into our room at midnight and climb smack dab in between David and me.

I can't believe it has been over 4 YEARS since Christian passed away. 
I can't believe he would be turning 8 years old on Monday.

When we went back to our house in Texas earlier this summer, I did not expect to be so emotional when I walked through the back door of our house and into our old familiar world. I looked at Ian cradled in my arms... our new son that will not meet his big brother this side of Heaven... the son that might not even be here had Christian not passed away in the first place.



Right before we left Guam for Texas, David had a dream...

God told him that things could be the way they were. 
Our family together with three boys, Christian the baby of them all...
Our family never touched by true sorrow... Not in pieces, but whole.
We could have Christian! Here!
...But then we wouldn't have Ian.

Or we could have Ian...
and He would keep Christian.

God said to CHOOSE.

Then David woke up.

I am so thankful that God doesn't ask us to choose! How could we ever choose?! 
We could not! Not ever!

Even when we wish He would answer our prayers just as we ask them, I am thankful that we can trust Him to look at the big picture and love us enough to sometimes say no... and when we hurt with this saying of no, He holds us close and reminds us that He is faithful and sure.

Choosing joy (or fighting for joy) in the midst of sorrow is one thing, but choosing our yesterday, today and forever?  I dare not.

God thundereth marvellously with his voice;
great things doeth he, which we cannot comprehend.
-Job 37:5

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

-Isaiah 55:8-9

Jesus Christ the same yesterday, today, and forever.

-Hebrews 13:8

Although this journey is hard, I get the best of both worlds. Christian AND Ian.

And all because of Jesus.

Teenager!

How can something that started off so small...

[Is it my imagination or do y'all also see a resemblance to Ian?]

...turn into a taller-than-mom young man?

[These pictures were taken back in March. He looks even older now! 

I have a feeling I'm going to be making that same statement for the next 10 years... okay, 30.]

On the birthday agenda:

-breakfast of bacon and eggs

-scuba diving with daddy

-lunch!

-mint chocolate chip ice cream birthday cake from marble slab

-dinner at his favorite Korean restaurant where he can chow down on bulgogi

Hmmm... 4 out of 5 things on that list deal with food.  Imagine that.

HAPPY 13th BIRTHDAY, AUSTIN!!!